


'Twas the Night Before Christmas

by E_Salvatore



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: F/M, Pure Crack, and a lot of rhyming, holiday-themed crack!, imported from fanfiction.net, this is the mother of all crack fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 16:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5593867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E_Salvatore/pseuds/E_Salvatore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A 2015 Holiday Special: 'Twas the night before Christmas, when she set out on a mission, to put two rightful beings together, without raising suspicion... (also known as Crack Fic: Holiday Edition).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**ONE**

* * *

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and not a soul was around,

It was abandoned, save for the lights in the background,

And then she appeared, so festive in red.

The festive spirit, by her it was led.

She looked around and looked about,

And knew it was no time to doubt,

It was Christmas, no one should be alone,

Not even her agents, though they were grown.

Her favorite agent – but shh, don't tell!

Her young almost-daughter; no, not Nell.

Neither were in sight, but no one was,

For the night before Christmas it 'twas.

And then her brain grew tired,

And the old Christmas ninja said,

"To hell with all this rhyming,

I'll say what I decide should be said!"

And so she left my evil control,

The old ninja broke out of my hold,

So now you deal with her, ASAP,

Man, I'm too old for this crap.

* * *

Henrietta Lange has but one wish this Christmas: to bring together her agents in time for the holidays.

You see, she's been watching Agents G Callen and Kensi Blye for a while now – quite a while - and is convinced that they would be perfect together. They share a sense of sarcasm, and bounce off each other, and are the only members of her team who look good in Christmas attire – the sweaters she had given everyone to herald the coming of winter, of course. Well, the ridiculously oversized sweaters that her second cousin's daughter had knitted for her a few years ago but that's irrelevant. They are _perfect_ for her team, and fit them wonderfully, especially Callen and Kensi.

Hetty knows her plan will work. After all, they both share a profound love of… oh, surely there's something? Well, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that Hetty knows they'll be good together, and so together they'll be.

If she manages to push them together before Christmas, of course. Because what if they were to stand under the mistletoe with someone else over the holidays? What would become of her plan then?

Mistletoe.

Yes, mistletoe!

Hetty knows just what to do now.

And so it is decided that Henrietta will take it upon herself to play Christmas Ninja, the blessed angel of unions in L.A.

Well… certain parts of L.A.

Just one part, really.

For one union.

* * *

The devious ninja, she insisted,

That this horrible rhyming persisted,

My brain grows tired but she has candy cane,

Help me, I need a supervisor to complain!

The evil mastermind, a plan she had,

I didn't ask, I knew it was bad,

Then I saw a reindeer, a Santa and mistletoe, too!

Oh, the horror! Someone she was trying to woo!

Ah, but it wasn't for The Gaga and herself,

For today, she was playing helpful elf,

To bring together Callen and Kensi,

For this union had struck her fancy.

The offensive holiday sprig, it was hidden,

So the office and surroundings looked barren,

But under doorways and arches, there they were,

Proof of her dark nature, seen only by her.

And all around she glanced, the little helper,

For this one interference, she would bear their anger,

For she knew eventually they would see,

Together they belonged, Callen and Kensi.

* * *

Mistletoe.

Of course!

Hetty is positively dancing with glee. It won't be long now – her plan is set to start in a few more hours. Callen and Kensi have no plans for the holidays and will only be all too happy to help poor, old Hetty solve a special case… won't they?

Well, they have no choice, really, but Hetty isn't going to tell them that. No, she'll give them a choice – they could choose to accept nicely, or be dragged into the office on her authority. She really can be quite nice and reasonable sometimes.

Hetty completes a circuit of the office, checking her surroundings one final time. Mistletoe everywhere; thank God for the little sprigs. Tomorrow, no one will be here but her, Callen, Kensi and Eric. If all goes to plan, she's sure to get them under the mistletoe and they'll have no choice but to partake in the old holiday custom. Well, not Eric – he'll have to sit this one out.

Nothing can stop her now – nothing. By the end of the year, Callen and Kensi will be running around, trying to hide their growing relationship while she fakes ignorance. It will be hard to keep those knowing smiles to herself but that's a small price to pay. Oh, the things she does for her team.

Her little family, actually.

Sparing the office one last glance, Hetty picks up her bowl of candy canes and her phone, setting an alarm for three hours' time. At precisely 3.17 A.M., Callen and Kensi will each be receiving a very nice wake-up call, one they wouldn't possibly dream of resisting.

Not long now…

* * *

That evil ninja, she did it again,

Hid her intentions behind innocent snowmen,

And blame it all on the mistletoe, she'll say,

Before she winks and walks away.

Force them to work on Christmas Day,

That's the game she'll play,

And put them under mistletoe,

Where one would have to kiss their beau.

And poor Callen, and poor Kensi,

This will drive them into a frenzy,

For what good are feelings brought to light?

They know only trouble it will invite.

Yes, the little ninja had done it again,

Put dangerous mistletoe in their bullpen,

And on top of doorways and above arches,

Just to ensure that tomorrow, Kensi blushes.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and Hetty had a plan,

To bring together a special woman, and a special man,

In this very office, in fact, but for now she just called,

"Happy holidays and Merry Christmas to all!"

* * *

 


	2. II

**TWO**

* * *

'Twas the night before Christmas when last we met,

The Evil Christmas Ninja had a plan and all was set,

To bring together two clueless – or perhaps not? – agents,

Using a brilliant, basic gift from the ancients.

Mistletoe here, mistletoe there, mistletoe everywhere,

With candy and Santa; it's her own personal lair,

But no one was around – this wouldn't do,

It was as if everyone had some sort of curfew.

And so she left, with a weight in her ninja heart,

Because with the festivity she could not bear to part,

But she would be back in three hours and a second,

And with company, the atmosphere will be brightened.

So the ninja headed home in her super-special-speed-demon,

And waited around, impatient for her plan to take action,

The clock ticked and ticked and ticked but it's ever so slow,

She felt like it should have been time a million years ago.

Finally, finally the time was a horrible hour of three,

And old, lively Hetty was as happy as can be,

For now it all starts – a fairytale affair,

And of this juicy secret only she would be aware.

* * *

"Hetty?" Callen questions incredulously before jumping out of bed. His superior has only ever called him in the middle of the night twice, and twice it had been due to certain emergencies, mostly to do with his team – his family of sorts.

"Ah, Mr. Callen. Good morning and Merry Christmas to you, too. It has come to my attention that a certain case – an old one, certainly – has recently been re-opened and Washington would like our team to get to the bottom of this."

"And it couldn't wait?" He sighs, part relieved and part annoyed. Well, at least his team is all right. But really? Three in the morning? On Christmas? Not that he has any plans, but…

"I'm afraid not. This is very important."

"I'll be there in ten."

"Good, good," She sounds dismissive and distracted as he snatches his keys off the nightstand and heads out. "Oh, and Mr. Callen?"

"Yes, Hetty?" He stills, phone in hand, keys in the other.

"Ms. Blye and Mr. Beale will meet you there. As of now, only the four of us are aware of this and I would like to keep it so."

He grows suspicious – Sam is being left out of the loop? – but decides that he'll just deal with this first, see what the situation is before he goes against Hetty.

Besides, a certain brunette agent will be there, and he actually prefers her company over Sam's at three in the morning.

He hangs up and gets to the office in no time at all, bounding up the few steps to get to Eric. It's dark, save for the twinkling Christmas lights, and they cast an odd, eerie glow around the empty office, which gives him no cause to linger around.

Two minutes later he's about to walk into Eric's lair when he bumps into someone – not someone, but Kensi. They pause under the doorway, flustered and a little thrown off.

"Merry Christmas, Callen." She grins, and he picks up immediately on the sarcasm and that subtle change in her voice that tells him she's running on caffeine.

"Merry Christmas, Kenz," He replies, and then they both try to side-step each other so that they can be on their way, only to almost collide again.

A sharp gasp escapes her lips as she freezes, and his first instinct is to freeze as well. He doesn't question her, merely follows her gaze to identify the problem. Directly above them, in all its terrible, festive glory, sits a merry little sprig of mistletoe.

Hetty suddenly appears in that ninja-way of hers, clasps her hands together and announces, with thinly-veiled glee:

"Oh, goodie – mistletoe!"

* * *

That evil ninja, that Christmas Puck - this time she's done it,

Though certainly, to this horrible crime she'll never admit.

But it pops up everywhere, that bit of festive green,

In doorways and arches and more places unseen.

She underestimates them – their skills; I told her so,

She'd called me a voice out of many and told me to go,

But now they sit, and think, and discuss, and suspect,

Something is wrong; something they can detect.

But they play along, for what is there to lose?

They'll sit it out and they'll drop tiny clues,

She will pick up on them; eventually, she will,

And maybe then her secret plan she will spill.

But when they stand under mistletoe for the seventh time,

And she silently pouts in a corner as if this is a crime,

They know it's enough – they have to step forward and ask,

Just what in the world does she think she will achieve with this task?

Caught red-handed, she glows red like Rudolph's nose so bright;

Just what was she thinking, calling them after midnight?

But Hetty steps forward, and I use my writer powers to make her tell it all,

And Callen and Kensi, they laugh and laugh until they want to fall.

* * *

"Hetty, you were – you – you… you tried to set us up?" Kensi gasps between laughs, too fond of the elder woman to be angry or even upset at her. It's adorable and heart-warming, actually, that she was trying to make sure they enjoyed their holidays, but man, did she go about it the wrong way!

Callen stands next to his co-worker, amused smirk in place as Hetty looks at one, then the other, clearly feeling a little put out and slightly confused. Kensi is notoriously against being set up and in any other situation, he would have been equally taken aback by her reaction. But for once in his life, he knows something Hetty doesn't.

"I think it's adorable," Kensi finally announces, smiling widely as she works to keep her laughter in check. "Really, Hetty, that was sweet. But Callen and I, we're big kids now. We can handle ourselves."

"I know that, Ms. Blye, but I didn't want to have two of my best agents spending the holidays alone. It is quite the tragedy, actually, to be all alone and blue on Christmas."

"Hetty, we aren't going to be alone. Kensi and I have plans. She has friends to visit and I have some stuff I've been meaning to catch up on."

"Yeah, we talked about all of this weeks ago, Hetty."

"Well," Hetty huffs, quite embarrassed to be caught playing holiday matchmaker. "I suppose I was quite off about this. Merry Christmas, Mr. Callen and Ms. Blye. I will see you after the holidays."

"Wait, Hetty!"

"Yes, Mr. Callen?" She turns around with an inquisitive look.

"We all have holiday plans, but what about you? No one should be alone on Christmas, Hetty."

Hetty smiles; it's very nice of him to ask, and his question reminds her of her Christmas plans. She imagines the thirty orphans she will be reading to will keep her company for the day.

"Oh, I will be just fine, Mr. Callen."

With that characteristically-vague answer, she turns around and leaves for her office. As soon as she is out of sight, her two agents turn to each other and Kensi asks, in a cautious whisper, a question that would have filled Hetty with glee had she been around to overhear it.

"Your place or mine?"

* * *

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all around L.A,

Everyone gathered to celebrate a special day,

With family and friends, and less fortunate strangers,

To care for the young and respect their elders.

And in the early morning with the day so bright,

They felt goodness in their hearts, and so much light,

For Christmas had come and now it was time,

To share and care, and maybe give out a dime.

And somewhere amidst all this beautiful wonder,

One just had to sit down and ponder,

Where was the team, and what were they doing?

Were they sharing and caring and smiling?

And yes, I can honestly say,

That on this special day,

Our team, just like everyone I know,

They enjoyed a very merry Christmas, albeit without snow.

Twas the night before Christmas when a curious plan,

Took hold in the mind of Hetty – a scary land.

And now that it's over, let me bid you before the final curtain call:

"To all a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year to all!"

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and no, I’m not offering any refunds for wasted time. Sorry! Merry Christmas (late by a week, I know) and Happy New Year, everyone! 
> 
> Also, I fully expect at least one of you to call me out on the absolute madness this was so feel free to leave a comment that simply reads ‘what the frickety frack?!’.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written four years ago, a dark period during which I made many questionable decisions. So Christmas-themed crack fics didn’t seem like a bad idea at the time. Like a bad movie, there’s no way this will hold up to the test of time. But hey: either laugh at my poor attempt at holiday parodies, or laugh at me. I’m just happy to be of (laugh-providing) service this holiday season.


End file.
